20091119

gets a taste in my mouth as desperation takes hold

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"when routine bites hard/ and ambitions are low/ and resentment rides high/ but emotions won't grow.."

it seems like i can barely find time to breathe lately. food and sleep have become luxuries as i struggle to keep up with a deluge of deadlines, bank statements, word counts, letter grades, job listings and such, and the urge to crawl into a dark corner and hibernate is strong. at this point, there's nothing surprising about the cycle. the gray skies begin to mirror my mood - or is it the other way around? - the sound advice of family and friends goes ignored, and frown lines plant themselves stubbornly and conspicuously upon my face as i wait impatiently for an upswing of some sort to occur of its own volition, hoisting me up out of melancholy in the process.

unfortunately, these episodes are not confined to wintry weather or even this campus, which has led to blood tests, awkward therapist interactions, and a series of tense family moments over the years. in times like these, i often attempt to counteract the overwhelming sense of monotony by losing myself between the glossy pages of some fashion magazine or another, firmly pushing gloomy thoughts out of mind, if only for a little while. escapism is the goal, but now this seems somewhat naive in light of the death of daul kim, one of these pages' brightest faces. 

perhaps the world that i transport myself to in times of strife, one replete with impeccable ensembles, perfect pouts and no shortage of aesthetic pleasure, may one day materialize in the form of a career. still, i find myself motivated to seek solace in things less ephemeral until then. daulmonster never failed to inspire in life, and now, even in her incredibly tragic death, she's encouraged me to reevaluate, regroup, and retry. once more, with feeling-

"..and we're changing our ways/ taking different roads."



7 comments:

Becca. said...

love this post!
thankyou for the comment on my blog sweetie!
added you to my links too!
please become a fan of fashion-train on facebook too, the link is on my blog!
hope you have a good weekend!
XOXO, BECCA
http://fashion-train.blogspot.com

Sole honeynettles.blogspot.com said...

Hi! I like this post a lot too. Sometimes finding beauty and silence can do a lot to help restore balance. For me, taking a shower, slipping into clean, comfortable pjs, playing some Mazzy Star, drinking chamomile tea with my pretty Dreft style mug and reading a historical novel does the trick.
Hope you find some peace!!

Nubiasnonsense said...

I love the picture, the girl looks so liberated =) Nice post

Miss Erinna said...

wonderful post, lovely writing. I understand what you mean completly - and i hope you find a way to renew.
Erinna
xx

JOWY said...

LOVELY POST AND PHOTO, I SO FEEL YA!

One Love,
Jowy'
www.iseejanemary.blogspot.com

jessica said...

i miss her amazing ways.
goodbye daulmonster ♥

Laura said...

you speak how I feel right now, i have had a big wobbly year.